A hot mess from the geniuses responsible for The Matrix. Go figure.
Jupiter Ascending
Grade: D+
Director: Andy Wachowski (The Matrix), LanaWachowski
Screenplay: Wachowskis
Cast: Mila Kunis (Black Swan), Channing Tatum (Foxcatcher)
Rating: PG-13
Runtime: 127 min.
by John DeSando
Now I know how to define “space junk”: Jupiter Ascending, a science fiction film from the Wachowskis that bears no resemblance to their Matrix. Not only is there not a bit of metaphysics to bolster its story, there is not much humor to call it a satire. So I guess I’m stuck with “space junk.”
The plot about a Russian girl, Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) ,actually being an heir to an intergalactic dynasty and a genetically-engineered “splice” hunk, Caine (Channing Tatum), who abducts her and ends up saving her, is about all the sense I was able to make of the mess. Oh, yes, an attempt to parallel families of down to earth Russians and galactic dysfunctionals is just as absurd as everything else.
It’s rumored this expensive film was planned to open last summer but postponed to this February. It’s an understandable delay because this month is the graveyard for losers.
I did not see this film in 3 D and am less nauseous for it. The other special effects are many and derivative and pervasive, just as unimaginative as the dialogue (“I like dogs,” says the queen in reference to the hunter). Set pieces such as a speedy tour of Chicago are worthy of the Wachowskis but beautiful only in the design—the execution rarely supports a coherent plot, ‘cause there is none.
By the way, Eddie Redmayne must be cringing that this space garbage is released just before the Oscars, potentially derailing his chances: His bad boy Balem Abrasax is so over the top as to be the only contribution to the satire I was trying to find. Now Sean Bean as Stinger Apini, an aging Han Solo if you will, is a welcome relief of swashbuckling, freewheeling heroism with a touch of larceny. But then I’m stretching to find redemption for the year’s worst film so far.
Oh, my, it’s only February, and we have arguably until May to find redeeming feature films. It’s going to be a long winter.
John DeSando, a Los Angeles Press Club first-place winner for National Entertainment Journalism, hosts WCBE’s It’s Movie Time and co-hosts Cinema Classics. Contact him at JDeSando@Columbus.rr.com
